Single, bored, lonely & broke

Okay that title sounds a bit depressing doesn’t it? So let me start by saying that I know life is full of duality & I have so much abundance to be grateful for in my life. Friendships, support, joy. Yet the fact still remains - I’m single, bored, lonely & broke.

I made the courageous step of packing up my life & moving across the country from Melbourne to the Gold Coast about 4 months ago. It somehow felt scarier this time than when I moved across the world at 22, maybe because I felt like I had less at stake back then. I mean granted I was a hot mess at 22 with a serious lack of self awareness & the ability to claim naivety. I could say “I’m still figuring it out!” but it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it at 32, does it?

I’ve been single for 18 months now - that’s the longest time since I was 15. I laugh when I think about it because I remember how I always felt like I needed to belong to someone. Anyone. It didn’t matter if they were good for me (most of them definitely weren’t) but someone is better than no-one, right? I really used to think “Who am I & what value do I bring to the world if not in relation to someone else?”

I lived my life that way until I no longer could. You know when you finally see the pattern for what it is & you’re like oops can’t ignore that anymore, I’ll probably need to address it, and I did.

Through a shit ton of inner work, I realised I was worthy. I didn’t need someone else to validate that I was good enough, nice enough, pretty enough, valuable. I finally understood why I had attracted the men I had in the past & that I would no longer settle. I went from the pick me girl asking “Am I good enough for them?” to the confident woman asking “are they good enough for me?” & since I’m still painstakingly single - the answer has obviously being no.

My boundaries are stronger. My standards are higher. My voice is more powerful - and honestly it’s fuckin challenging. Challenging because it takes a certain kind of man to be step into a sacred union where he cannot hide. Where he will be called forward. The stronger, more authentic & confident I am with my truth, the more repelling I am to most men. That’s been a painful journey within itself. I no longer need a man in my life but I deeply desire one. I crave having someone to come home to, to cuddle on the couch, to laugh with, to do life with, to feel the depths of their heart.

The truth is; I’m lonely. Starting your life over again in your 30’s is hard. I’m so proud of myself for having the courage to do it & I love where I landed but sometimes you underestimate the time & effort involved to rebuild your life & community. And just quietly too; I’m still financially recovering.

Whilst I’m so grateful to have a job that is remote & gives me lots of freedom, sometimes I struggle to fill that time. I find myself doom scrolling because I don’t have the money to be out “living my best life” & I understand that not everything costs money, but lots of things do. Inevitably I spend lots of time at home by myself, phone in my hand & I’m fuckin bored. I want more. I wish I had more.

I love spending time alone yet when it comes to spending money on experiences by myself, I think what’s the point? It’s not that I can’t go on solo dates, it’s not that I lack the confidence but sometimes I think “I’ll wait in case this is a good date idea” like I’m so desperately seeking to have experiences with other people & sometimes I have to catch myself in that mindset.

I listened to a podcast last week & the host asked the guest “what if the universe communicated to you with certainty that you’ll never find the loving relationship you’re seeking?” & it hit me. I thought about that for myself & wondered how I might show up differently in my life if I knew that I would be alone forever. I thought about all the places in my life that I think about saving things to experience with someone else. If I’m never going to meet them, I need to take my fuckin power back.

I realised it’s something I can make a conscious effort to do in my life right now, regardless. Live my life to the fullest, for me. Spend more time in my joy. Filling my cup, focusing on my growth & evolution. I feel like I’ve been in this season for a while now, longer than I’d like to admit. But it’s been highlighted since moving to a new place & this longing for something more inside of me has grown so loud, I can no longer ignore it.

So my first step is to honor where I’m at. When you stop running from what you’ve been unwilling to see, it can be more powerful than you could ever imagine. But practically, I’m going to carve out more time for solo dates. To enjoy myself more.

At the end of the day, not to be cliche but life is short & it’s here to be fuckin lived. I deserve all the goodness & happiness in the world & whilst I’m in this season of not having a partner, I get the opportunity to create that goodness for myself.

I keep the faith that someone is out there for me & just as I’m learning my lessons & anchoring more deeply into what I desire - so are they. There is still all the time in the world to find someone (even though it feels like life is passing me by sometimes). I will not settle. I will never make myself small again just to have someone by my side.

As for my finances.. well that’s a work in progress!

Big love,

M x